Chelsey Goodan’s career as an academic tutor led her to discover a special gift for mentoring teenage girls. As she poured into the girls she tutored, listening intently to their fears and dreams, offering empathy and validation of their feelings and struggles to come of age in today’s society, she could have never imagined how much she would learn, and grow, from the wisdom of teenage girls.
“A lot of our wounds start in our teenage years,” Goodan said. “The ways that we are squashed or silenced, dismissed or minimized, and those types of patterns carry into adulthood.”
Author Chelsey Goodan wrote "Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls."
She believes if we truly listen to the wisdom of teenage girls, we can make things better for the next generation. “It’s really exciting to move upstream and help girls in this time of life to find their agency, power, and voice, in a way that hopefully they won’t be unpacking those types of wounds in therapy in their 40's,” she shared. “If we help them to feel empowered at this age, we can help them change their trajectory.”
Oftentimes, adults struggle to trust the teens in their life, giving in to the stereotypes of adolescence, assuming them to be reckless, irresponsible or rebellious. The truth is, Goodan has observed that the more she looks to the girls she works with to take charge in their own lives, to find their own answers to the problems they face, the more they rise to the occasion and demonstrate their thoughtfulness, confidence and power.
“What I’ve seen is parents putting ‘shoulds’ on a girl – how she should act, or what she should do – and society does that too,” Goodan explained. “Well-intentioned parents want what’s best for their daughter, but she feels a ton of pressure to be perfect, to do everything right. She loses touch with her own authenticity, her own path, her own inner voice.”
While it can be hard for parents to hold space for the discomfort of their daughter’s mistakes, strong feelings, or struggle to figure things out on her own, what they might not realize is her longing for them to see her for who she is, and trust her to make her own decisions.
“Your daughter is smarter than you even know,” said Goodan, “and by empowering her voice and authenticity, you’re going to see her grow into the type of person you hope she is, and you don’t need to control or force that. She will discover it herself, if given the right type of support and room to explore.”
Here are Goodan’s five tips to improve your relationships with your teen girl:
1. Create an environment where it's safe to tell the truth, without punishment or criticism – even if it's a truth you don’t agree with. Teenage girls love radical honesty.
2. Hold space for feelings – even difficult ones – without trying to advise, fix, or cover them with optimism.
3. Make room for your teen girl to make mistakes safely without incorporating her mistakes into her entire identity, as if she’s a failure.
4. Give her active choice in decisions pertaining to her life, and make sure her voice is heard. Ask her questions like, “How would you like to handle this?” or “What do you think is the solution here?” She’ll start to trust herself and her ability to make wise choices.
5. Make amends and take responsibility for your own day-to-day mistakes. Teen girls respect when parents own their own mistakes, and apologize.
"Underestimated," written by Chelsey Goodan, aims to help parents, teachers, coaches and tutors relate to teenage girls with authenticity, respect and trust.
These tips are valuable not only for parents, but for all relationships. Therein lies the wisdom of teen girls – they are blazing the trail in relating authentically, breaking down age-old barriers that have left women feeling bogged down by perfectionism, people-pleasing and timidity for centuries.
For Goodan, writing "Underestimated" offered invaluable therapy for healing her own inner teen girl. “I realized I was showing up for these girls in the way I needed in my teenage years,” she reflected. “Having worked with them so long to build up tools organically came from those struggles, and flowed out of my need to heal, and their need to heal. None of it was ever forced, it came out of a true need to be our best selves and feel our most whole.”
Many women reading "Underestimated" find themselves uncovering the root of many of their own struggles. Book clubs have provided a safe space for women to unpack their own histories and discuss ways to move forward without the weight of the past. “I truly believe in healing yourself, you will heal your relationship with your daughter, or anybody in your life,” she said.
Goodan believes that we all can learn from the wisdom of teen girls, and that parents, teachers, coaches and tutors can relate to teen girls with authenticity, respect and trust in their ability to handle whatever life throws at them. “At the end of the day, my goal with this book is to create change,” she shared, “and have a ripple effect to impact people’s lives in a positive way.”
Learn more by visiting www.chelseygoodan.com.
