Bringing home a newborn can be one of the most exciting but exhausting times in a parent’s life.

Leslie Bogstad of North Charleston vividly remembers the heartbreak she felt eight short years ago when she and husband Brian struggled to get their baby Will to go to sleep.

“It was so hard. I remember sitting outside Will’s room cross-legged with my back against the door just crying because he was in there crying. He was just tired, and he needed to sleep,” she says. “Brian used to march up and down the hallway of our house singing to him because that calmed him.”

They’d put Will down, let him cry and then, after some time passed, go in, touch him – let him know he was safe – and walk out of the room. A bit later they would return again, but this time they didn’t touch Will; they just spoke to him to let him know it would all be OK.

Dr. Colleen Boylston, owner of Sweetgrass Pediatrics, says the Bogstads did the right thing.

“At 4 to 6 months, when you know the baby is growing well, developing well, it is OK to allow babies to cry themselves to sleep. But this is difficult for most parents.”

She says parents should allow their baby to cry for intervals, checking in, but just as the Bogstads did, don’t reinforce the behavior by picking them up.

“That’s what I tell parents. This is usually because you’ve trained them to do this by what you’ve done for the first four to six months, now they’re getting smart and that’s what they want. You’ve got to re-train.”

Trained nighttime awakenings

Newborns should sleep between 16 and 22 hours in spurts throughout the day, but by 4 to 6 months of age, infants should be able to sleep for eight hours at night without waking up.

At 5 to 7 months of age babies start developing habits. They get smarter. When they wake up they realize something is different, Boylston says. It’s called trained nighttime awakening.

“It usually happens about the same time every night as they rise out of the deep sleep into the lighter sleeping state. If they are in a different place they realize it. It’s like being put to bed in your bed and then waking up on the kitchen floor.”

Boylston recommends putting babies in their cribs in a sleepy state and letting them fall asleep where they will be all night – in the crib or bassinet.

Sometimes parents unwittingly reinforce the nighttime awakenings and help their babies go back to sleep when they wake up instead of teaching them how to go back to sleep on their own. The child then expects mom or dad to sooth him, which exacerbates the problem and teaches bad habits.

Boylston says parents should keep the lights dim and minimize reinforcing behavior like feedings, pacifiers or holding so baby can learn how to get back to sleep on his own.

“Shushing them or maybe rubbing their back a little bit – but not picking them up out of the crib is the best and quickest way to reverse the trained nighttime awakening.”

Break the habit

Boylston tells parents not to start habits they don’t want to break.

For example, giving a baby a pacifier to go to sleep can become a problem. The pacifier often will fall out during the night and the baby will wake up.

“Pacifiers are your best friend and your worst enemy,” Boylston says.

When the sucking reflex is gone, usually after four to six months, she says to take the pacifier away.

Another bad habit parents fall into is allowing the baby to fall asleep with a bottle or at the breast, Boylston says. “That’s the problem that’s going on at my house.”

Boylston admits it’s difficult for her as well. She is the mother of four young children. Her youngest, Poppy, likes to fall asleep while nursing – and all of them like to sneak into bed with she and husband David at night.

“My kids intermittently are in bed with me all the time,” she laughs. “I know what to say, and I know what to tell parents, but I also tell parents I struggle with it, too. Even with a pediatrician it’s a constant struggle to do the ‘right’ thing.”

It will all be OK

Bogstad says, as difficult as it was, her family got through their sleep issues. Now, three children later, the Bogstads are pros at getting their kids to bed without incident.

Her advice is to figure out what works for each child and what speaks to each child.

“It’s hard at first. It took time to figure each child out. I’m all about establishing who is boss in the parent/child relationship, but sometimes you put too much stress on yourself because you don’t figure things out about your kids before – or you don’t leave room for them to be a little bit different.”

She says what works for one parent doesn’t necessarily work for another.

“You just have to have the patience to try different things until you figure it out.”

Sometimes, one parent is better than the other at putting a child to bed. Realizing this can relieve a lot of stress for parents, Bogstad says. Brian helps with the bedtime routine tremendously.

“My husband – honestly – was always better at putting the boys to bed. Sometimes they’re so attached to mom especially because we nurse. And they want to sit and cuddle, nuzzle and love. Daddy can do a little routine, sing to them and they go right to sleep.”