Kids will test your limits. Patience is required to try to change a child’s negative behavior – and sometimes it can take time. Parents often don’t know the best way to handle it when their children don’t listen and sometimes resort to yelling or spanking to try to make children do what is asked of them.

“It will wear you down. Parenting is a hard job,” says Dr. Daniel Cowley, a psychologist in North Charleston.

Cowley offers a few tips for encouraging children to listen and do their chores. With just a little patience and consistency, parents can turn the negative behavior around.

He’s taught parenting skills to nearly 500 couples and says most of those who practice his techniques turn bad behavior into good behavior. (For more information visit www.inging.org.)

Cowley says it takes consistency, patience and strength to be a parent.

It’s important for parents to be in sync with one another and work together when parenting children. Make your expectations very clear and explain the consequences to the child.

“The more consistent and patient parents are over time … it’s nice to see what can be accomplished.”

Cowley says eventually children will realize that they actually are in charge of the situation. They can choose to comply and receive a reward or choose to accept the consequences. Once they take ownership of their own behavior they will usually do as asked.

Parents should remember to always treat their children with respect.

Rewards

Using a reward system is a great tool parents can use as an incentive to encourage children to do their chores. For children younger than age 4, pair material rewards – which are real, consumable items they can touch, feel, eat or drink – with social rewards, which can be hugs, kisses or thank you’s.

At age 4 and older, use a chart, stickers or some type of visual system to motivate children, as well as a social reward. At age 7 or 8, parents can switch to giving real money or an allowance. Eventually, as the child gets older, Cowley says the social reward will have the same meaning as the consumable reward.

“I think it’s a mistake for parents to never associate [good behavior] with a social reward because that’s what keeps most adults going. We don’t really work for the paycheck. We work for what we call the ‘atta boys’ … Just a pat on the back or a kind word means what all those other rewards meant during your lifetime.”

Cowley also cautions parents to tailor rewards, as well as punishments, to the individual child – taking age and functioning level into consideration.

Steps to take

Cowley says it takes three steps to change a child’s negative behavior, a strategy which only works through age 12. Throughout this process, parents should try to stay calm, never show emotion and always stay in control.

Step One: Ask the child in a civil manner, just like you’d ask an adult. Say please. “They’re whole people,” he says. “They’re just little whole people.” If you treat them with respect oftentimes they’ll respond more positively.

Step Two: Decide how long you want to wait if the child doesn’t listen the first time. Then instead of asking again, state it. This time use a flat, unemotional tone of voice. Don’t say please. Instead, use a respectful “command.” For example say, “Pick up your room now.”

Step Three: Explain consequences. Again, with an unemotional tone of voice tell the child what the consequences will be if they don’t do what you ask. For example, “If you do not pick up your room, then the consequences will be such and such.”

Consequences

The use of empty threats is a common problem when parenting, and parents absolutely must follow through consistently with consequences or otherwise lose their power.

“Behavior is determined by its consequences,” Cowley says. “In other words, whatever follows the behavior is going to dictate what happens to the behavior.”

He recommends using time-outs – not as punishments but rather as short time periods that give both the parent and the child a chance to think. It is up to the parent to decide the best location, as long as it’s a quiet area where children receive no stimuli. He suggests sending the child to a specific a chair against the wall or to his room.

The length of the time out should be a minute per year of age, Cowley says. For example, one minute for 1-year-olds, two minutes for 2-year-olds and so forth, not to exceed five minutes, no matter the child’s age.

Take away

After the time out, parents should start again with step one. If the three steps are completed a total of three times and the task still isn’t accomplished, move to a stronger punishment, such as taking away a favorite toy or privilege. Parents should figure out what the child cares about and tailor to that. For example if the child likes a particular TV show, don’t allow him to watch it that evening.

The three-step process should work for most children. It is designed to show children they are in charge and in command of their own behavior. Once the child truly makes that connection and realizes he is in control of the outcome, parents almost never reach the third step. Most of the time the child will self-correct.

If this strategy continuously doesn’t work, Cowley says there may be an underlying problem and professional help might be necessary. *

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