“It’s so very difficult when it’s your child who’s being bullied,” says Bob Stevens, director of prevention and intervention for Charleston County School District. “It’s emotionally and gut-wrenching. The parent has to be able to go to the school and speak up for the child because that is important.”

Educators can intervene and also help teach kids who are being bullied the appropriate responses. Stevens says to ask how the school will handle the situation and what type of intervention will be used. Some programs (which CCSD doesn’t use) suggest getting the bully and the victim together to talk it out.

“That’s exactly the wrong thing to do. You don’t want to put those two together. There’s an intimidation factor and everything else. If it’s just a tiff between two people, it’s not a bullying situation; then conflict management might be the right thing to do.”

Work closely with educators to solve the problem. Emphasize to your child that it isn’t his fault and praise him for telling an adult.

Conway Saylor, a professor of psychology at the Citadel, says there are cases when a student reports bullying and nothing gets done or adults intervene and the child is retaliated against for telling. When kids get no help they stop reporting it.

“It is a courageous thing to tell – and part of what we’re trying to emphasize is that the adults need to be sure that something effective is going to happen if kids take the risk of telling about it.”

Parents should never tell their child to tolerate or ignore bullying, be less provocative, develop a thicker skin or to retaliate physically.

“If you have a parent saying, ‘Go stick up for yourself, punch him,‘ it’s going to set up a situation that’s hard to solve,” Saylor says.

My child is a bully

The reason children bully is usually because they don’t feel good about themselves, says Dr. Katherine Graber of Coastal Adolescent Behavioral Health in Mount Pleasant. They usually are trying to impress their current social group.

“I think it starts out sometimes very innocently, but they (kids) don’t realize the impact it can have … but it’s something we can’t ignore anymore.”

The parent first must acknowledge the child is bullying another.

“I would say most times parents don’t want to see it for what it is.”

Sometimes parents don’t want to acknowledge it, particularly if it’s verbal. If it’s physical it’s harder to ignore.

“So if a teacher comes and says your son or your daughter is really being mean, and there have been a lot of complaints instead of just saying it’s girl behavior or it’s boy behavior, take a look at it and talk to your child about it.”

Graber says to explain to your child what the teacher (or other parent) told you and ask questions like, “What are your intentions when you say that?” or “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” Try to bring the conversation back to how they would feel if it happened to them. She says your child may say the victim “knows it’s a joke,” but point out that he or she may not think it’s a joke at all.

“That may be enough – just to make them aware – because they may not be aware. I think it then opens up the door to talk about some of the cases that have hit the news waves and how it can have a very detrimental effect on somebody.”